Your child has a fistful of your sleeve. A guide is holding out a hand, and the line of cars behind you is getting longer. Then you walk back to the car with the crying still in your ears, and spend the rest of the morning wondering whether it stopped.
If that is your morning right now, you are not doing anything wrong. Separation anxiety at drop-off is a familiar stage, and it often hits hardest in the second year. The American Academy of Pediatrics describes 12 to 24 months as the age when separation anxiety peaks and a child has the most difficulty with a parent leaving.
Our infant and toddler teams welcome children into their rooms every morning, and staying in close touch with families is a priority for both. What we have seen is that most of what makes a goodbye easier happens at home, before you ever reach the door. Here is what to try, and why each one helps.
Practice short goodbyes at home first
A child learns that you come back by watching you leave and return, many times, in small doses. So start small, and start before the first day. Leave your child with a grandparent, a friend, or a sitter for half an hour. Say goodbye, go, and come back when you said you would.
Each short separation that ends with you walking back through the door is evidence your child can keep. By the first morning at school, leaving and returning is already something they have seen go right.
Tell your child who will be there
"School" is a big, vague word to a two-year-old. A person is easier to hold on to. In the days before your child starts, talk about who they will see, by name. Our program pages introduce the adults in each room by name. Use a real name, such as Brenda or Rosie in our toddler rooms, rather than "the teachers."
The same goes for what happens after you leave. Describe the morning in your child's terms. There will be a snack, and time outside in the yard. If your child already knows a little of what is coming, the room after you leave is somewhere they half recognize. Our Infant and Toddler pages set out each part of the day.
Keep the goodbye short, and the same every day
A long goodbye feels kind. The American Academy of Pediatrics describes a different shape for it. For infants of 7 to 12 months, it suggests a little extra time together before you say goodbye. Then comes a short goodbye ritual, perhaps with a favorite stuffed animal to hold, and a quiet exit. From 12 to 24 months, it advises against coming back once you have gone, unless you are prepared to stay or to walk with your child to the door.
Make the ritual yours. It might be one hug, one kiss, and a wave from the door. Doing it the same way every day lets your child know what comes next, and that predictability is a comfort in itself.
Say goodbye every time, even on a morning when your child is happily busy and slipping out would be easier. A child who looks up and finds you gone without warning can start to hold on tighter the next day.
Say when you'll be back, in your child's terms
The AAP also suggests reassuring your child that you will come back when your work or errands are done. "Three o'clock" means nothing to a toddler. A moment in their own day means a great deal.
So anchor your return to something they know. If you pick up at midday, you might say "I'll be back after lunch." For a full day, it could be "after your nap, when it's snack time." Our toddler day runs from arrival and morning work to lunch, nap, and snack, so there is a clear moment to name. Then keep the promise, as close to that moment as you can. A promise kept is what makes the next goodbye easier.
Let the guides tell you how the morning went
The hardest part of drop-off is often the not knowing. You don't have to guess. In our infant and toddler rooms, a close relationship with each family and consistent daily communication are a priority. Ask how the rest of the morning went, and how long the tears lasted.
Tell the guides what works at home, too. If a particular song settles your child, or a certain way of being held, that is useful for them to know. Toddler families can also see the room for themselves at class observations and family nights.
Then, at pickup, give your child your full attention for a few minutes before anything else. The reunion is the end of the goodbye, and it is worth taking slowly.
Meet the people your child will say goodbye to
Goodbyes are easier when you trust who you are handing your child to, and that trust starts with meeting them. Our first tour is for adults only. You can see the rooms and ask the guides how they help a new child settle in, without anyone clinging to your sleeve.
Schedule a tour and meet our infant and toddler teams. Or find more ideas for home in our Parenting at Home articles.
Questions parents ask about drop-off
Is it normal for my child to cry at drop-off?
Yes. Separation anxiety is a familiar stage. The American Academy of Pediatrics describes 12 to 24 months as the age when it peaks and a child has the most difficulty with a parent leaving. A short goodbye, done the same way every day, usually helps. Ask your child's guide how the rest of the morning went, so you are not left guessing.
Should I slip out while my child is busy?
It is tempting, and we would suggest saying goodbye anyway. The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests a short goodbye ritual and then a quiet exit. Once you have gone, it advises not coming back unless you plan to stay or to walk with your child to the door. A goodbye your child can count on builds trust. Disappearing without one can make the next morning harder.
How will I know my child settled after I left?
Ask. In our Infant and Toddler programs, a close relationship with each family and consistent daily communication are a priority for the whole team. Tell the guides what helps at home, too, so they can use it at school. Toddler families can also see the room at class observations and family nights.
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South Coast Montessori
